Show Notes
  Hi, welcome to Growing Through Autism. I'm Erin, and I am so happy and so grateful that you're here with me today. My son Noa, he's 17 right now. He's going to be 18 in just a few months. And I feel like I'm starting to see a bit of a shift in him. He's definitely been showing me signs that he wants to do more things on his own.
Things even without me there or maybe his dad there, but with other people And it makes me reminisce and kind of think back to when I was that age and how did I feel and I think I did feel a lot like that where I wanted to be able to experience things on my own without having to be supervised. And maybe doing things more on my own too.
Like, not always depending on my parents or my older sisters to kind of help me out or guide me all the time. If I needed to make mistakes then even though they're uncomfortable, like, I can make them. Like, I'm, I'm learning. I'm, I'm growing. I'm doing better. And I feel like I'm really sensing that from Noa.
You know, I'm not sure if If you have kids who are similar in age, or maybe that have been that age, and you kind of know what I'm talking about. But, yeah, it's just an interesting time. It's definitely a time where I have to think about letting go a little bit, which is hard, because that's my baby. But, it's definitely something that's exciting, too.
It's an exciting time of life that transitioned from childhood to like actual adulthood. And so I just want to do everything I can just to support Noa through that. So my intention for our conversation today is to get you thinking a little bit more about how you can support your loved one through this kind of transition to create more agency and autonomy more independence just depending on whatever that looks like for your family.
Sometimes maybe it's one or the other, sometimes a combination of both. Maybe it might be helpful to define what each of those mean. So when I think about independence, I think about somebody being able to do something where they don't need any help or any kind of support. from anybody else. It's just completely them on their own doing their thing.
So agency and autonomy are two terms that go hand in hand to basically say that somebody has the ability to make decisions over their own life. And just depending on what your situation is, Independence might not always be possible in every situation because maybe somebody still needs support in getting dressed or preparing meals.
And I just want you to know just because somebody may need help with something, it does not take away their value at all, at all, because there's all moments when we need help. every single person. We're humans and we're designed to be in community and to thrive together. And so if full independence maybe isn't something that's possible right now, then I think that's okay.
I think still being able to feel like you have some level of control, some autonomy over, over your life can be really empowering. So when I think about how I can do this for my son I always start with just talking to him, talking to him about what I'm thinking about ideas I have, things I'm learning maybe different perspectives why I want to do something, why I'm learning about something, or even why I don't want to do something I just Things feel better to me when I'm communicating with Noa.
All of those things. I think it really shows him that I respect him and I value him and that's something that's really important in our relationship. I really want him to know that I do respect him and value him and I see him and I want to help him. have the best quality of life to be able to experience all the things that he wants to.
And so I think communication is kind of a foundational piece. I might over communicate a little bit, but I'd rather it be more clear that he knows where I'm, what I'm thinking and where I stand versus making assumptions. Because that's where things can get kind of tricky when you make assumptions about something or there's questions to be had to be answered.
Right. So I always start with talking and sharing. And if I think about one of the biggest I don't know if approach is the right word, but the things that I've started to do is to take a step back. It can be hard for me because, you know, as a mom, like I love my son, I want to do all the things.
But as you get older, you want to learn how to do all the things yourself. And if I'm always jumping in, I'm not leaving any space, no opportunities for that to happen for him. And so I've really especially over like the past couple of years, really started to become aware of how quick I do jump in and really have focused on trying to be intentional about.
leaving space and giving him opportunities to try however he wants. And I have to also remind myself that maybe the way that he's going to do something, it might look different than how I envisioned it. And that's okay. That's totally okay. Mino is an out of the box thinker and I love it. And and there's so many things that Maybe I envision one way, but then they, they happen in a different way.
So I can give you an example of a time that happened. So this past weekend, we just went to Speller's Camp, which is awesome by the way AutisticallyInclined. com. You can check it out. It's a three day camp. It's so good. One of the things that we were doing, we were trying to do some purposeful movement having our, our spellers practice moving their bodies in intentional ways because apraxia affects a lot of our kids.
And so one of the things that they were going to do was touch their toes. And so when you think about somebody touching their toes, or at least when I think about someone touching their toes, might be standing up and they bend. at the hips and reach down and touch their toes, right? That's, that's what I envisioned.
So me and Jay, one of the, the staff members there were, were there supporting Noa trying to help coach his body to getting down to touch his toes. And so we're like, okay, no, we're going to touch our toes. And. Leave space, right? We talked about leaving space and giving opportunities for him to to try and you see him stop and he's thinking and he bends like just just a little like leans a little forward and you see him looking at his toes and like you see the processing happening and then Jay's coaching him up.
Okay, think about bending at the bending at those like hinging those hips. So bend your body in half to reach your arms down. coaching what he's going to do with the body. He can visualize it. He can focus on the areas, right? Get him in place. This boy he's working, he's working. And then he stands up and he like flicks his foot up and touches his toes like this.
And then he's on his way. And it was like the best thing because he touched his toes. We were not clear. We were not specific. in what that was supposed to look like. We just said, touch them. And when his body wasn't cooperating and getting, getting it to bend over to touch them, he found another way to make it happen.
And that's just like such a prime example of Noa, like, okay, this is the goal. You didn't give me details how to get there. So I'm going to go here and here and here, and then I'm going to get there. I'm going to forge my own path. That's. That's my boy. Another really big thing for me to remember is I allow space and I allow time.
For Noa, it can be challenging just initiating, like getting started to do something. But a lot of times I can, I can see his mind working. I can see him like, almost like coaching himself internally to do whatever it is. So I try to give a little bit of time for him to do whatever he's going to do.
And if it seems like he's stuck or maybe he needs a little support, Then I try to jump in and offer support. And I'm not perfect at this. I still jump in way too early a lot, but I'm more mindful and I'm getting better and better all the time. But I do see so much value in giving him those opportunities.
Because when he is able to take them, like make an attempt in some kind of way, like I can feel that pride that he has in him trying. And I always try to acknowledge whatever it is he's doing. I try not to get too cheerleader y, like, ah, no, oh my god, this is amazing! Although I, I, I can still get like that a lot too because I get really excited.
So I'm also trying to tame that part of myself down because I, yeah, I think sometimes it's helpful to like keep it low so he can sustain and do whatever it is longer. But yeah. Yeah, just acknowledging like, wow, you know, I just gave an opportunity to buckle your belt yourself and you did it like I saw each step like you, you did I, I didn't help you at all know what that was all you that's got to feel really good.
I don't know, that might be something that I say. But I, it's just, it feels really good. And. Even though it feels kind of like I'm taking a step back, it's not really like a step backwards. It's just a pause like space allowing space because if I'm always filling the space, he never has opportunity to come in.
And so I'm giving, I'm opening up that space for him to come in and to just grow, right? And so I guess that's kind of how I'm kind of thinking about things. And even when things might get a little tough, like if he's getting, starting to get dysregulated, a lot of times if we're at home, I try to not jump in right away.
As long as it's not too intense or too escalated. I try to give him an opportunity to find ways to regulate himself, to calm down himself. And so the times that I do step in, and even leading up to the time before I even give this space, I guess, when he was a little bit younger when I am helping him to regulate, I'm, I'm also trying to think about, I want to help him learn how to coach himself through this thing.
It doesn't always have to be just regulation. It can be through any task, just kind of like modeling and sharing like, okay, if I'm doing this, this is, this is how I'm thinking about it. This is what I'm telling myself, like, oh my gosh, I know I feel a little stuck. I'm getting frustrated, but I got this.
I can do this. I've done this before. If I can do this with help, I can do this on my own. Yeah. Maybe drawing attention like if it's a movement that we've got to do to focus attention like on specific muscle groups Okay, if I want to push my arm forward it starts at my shoulder starts at my shoulder and I move that and then from my elbow and my arm and just kind of Breaking things down
Giving that, that language to push through, to persevere. And I'm always reminding Noa that anytime something's hard, it's an opportunity for growth. And the only way to get to, like, that thing, to achieve doing that thing, is to go through that hard part. It's the only way there and it's uncomfortable, but then when you get on the other side it feels so stinkin good so I talk to him about that and I remind him about that and I try to model that myself as much as I can when I'm working on something I, and he's kind of there, kind of watching, not watching, but, you know, he's always watching, right?
Listening. I try to Just model how I would want him to talk to himself, and so how I'm working through it. So I'd like to challenge you this week. I want you to really start thinking about Autonomy and agency and maybe even independence in a in an area or a specific task or activity. How can you help build your your child's feelings of competence.
Think about maybe like pick a specific task or activity. That's probably going to be a good place to start and just start thinking about what it looks like right now before you try to change anything. Like, okay, what are we working with? Right? Like, how does it look now? How do you respond? How do they respond?
What's happening? Where's the breakdown? Maybe like what kind of challenges come up within that specific thing. And then you can ask yourself, okay, so what can I do different? Is there a place where I can take a step back and provide more space, more opportunity for them to kind of step in? Or are we not quite there yet?
And maybe, could we do this task? Or activity and I can coach through maybe the thought process to help me get through it. If you were in their shoes, I guess like maybe you're going to squeeze toothpaste on a toothbrush. You know, it takes coordination of two hands, squeezing twisting. There's all these small little things within that activity.
That requires some level of skill and, and motor control. And so, maybe we can just start by I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna pick up my, my toothpaste with my right hand and I gotta twist towards the left. Lefty loosey, right? I'm gonna twist that lid off, pull it off. And then I have to put the lid down.
pick up my toothbrush and I want to make sure I get the toothpaste on the bristles of the brush. So I got to kind of line them up and make them touch and then squeeze and then pull it away. I don't know. Just kind of like walking, walking through step by step. Okay. Okay. I got to squeeze a little harder because nothing's coming out.
So, okay. So I know I got to squeeze harder. Sometimes breaking things down step by step like that. And out loud can be maybe reinforcing or if there's a part where you know your child gets stuck to maybe also maybe add in some affirmation type stuff like, no, you got this, you got this, you did this, you did this with mom.
Okay. Push a little bit. You got it. You got it. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. And sometimes. That kind of those empowering kind of statements can give them that little push that they need. Cause I know stuff like that. It helps me. So it might help them too. And definitely talk to your child about how much you believe in them, how much you want to help them be able to do more things on their own cause it feels really good or to experience different things.
And just talk and share and highlight those moments that go really well. Even if it's one small thing, like just acknowledging that. That progress because it is progress. It feels really good. It feels good for you and it feels good for them and it's going to keep building their feelings of competence and in building their competence.
It also will gradually build their confidence and and that's what we want for our kids. Their confidence to just soar so that they feel like they can do anything because anything is possible. So just, yeah, I'd love to hear about anything that You guys try no matter how big or how small, like, Oh, I would love for you to share.
You can share it in the comments on Instagram or on Facebook or on the website. I, I, I just, I want us to build each other up. I think it's, it's so, powerful sharing all of our wins together. I love hearing about other people's wins. It makes me feel excited. It makes me feel like, you know what? I can do it too.
I can at least try. And so yeah, let's do that. Let's really get in community and build each other up. Let's cheer each other on, share each other's wins. So great. I hope that you guys have a great week and hopefully we'll see you next week. Keep on growing through autism. Bye! I'd love to challenge you this week to start thinking about how you can give your child more agency and autonomy over their life.
Maybe think about a specific area or activity where they might be able to have a little more control, make some decisions within that area. activity or the task. Maybe if they want to do it, maybe if they want it done a certain way if they're able to communicate maybe what they imagine it looking like or what they want out of it, just some kind of decision.
So they feel like they have a say, they have a voice and it matters. It's so, so important to feel like you matter and we want our kids to feel like they matter because they do. Maybe you want to take it another step farther and getting some independence around a specific task or an activity. Maybe start thinking about, well, what does it look like right now before I try to change anything.
What does it look like now? Okay. And where are the breakdowns or where are the challenges within that task or activity? Okay. And how am I responding now? How am I showing support now? Okay. What could I do different? Would taking a step back be helpful? Or maybe modeling how it's done? Maybe modeling how it's done and me verbally coaching myself through it.
So they can see what that looks like, that internal dialogue can look like. Yeah, I think there's, there's so many opportunities that you can create for your loved one to just really help build their, their feelings of competence, their feeling of being valued. I think that's so important for each and every one of us, including our kids, right?
And so, yeah, just think about it. And if you, if you can, it would be so cool if you could share, like, if you try it out. Anything, no matter how big, how small, if it's agency autonomy, if it's something with independence. Like, What is that looking like for you? What is it feeling like for you? Because how things feel are really important too.
You can share on the website, you can share on Instagram or Facebook, like, I think that it really empowers others to hear what people like us are going through. You know what I mean? Like, we're all connected. It's really empowering and I would love us to just be in community and empower each other and cheer each other on.
If this episode was helpful for you, or maybe you know somebody that it might be helpful for, if you would share it, I would so appreciate it. I just, I really want to build a community where we support each other and we encourage each other and lift each other up. But it'll take all of you guys helping to spread the word and build our community.
Yeah, so let's just Let's have a great week. I hope that you guys tune in next week. Let's just keep growing through autism together. Bye.